It’s been over 4 months since I’ve lost my precious Gemma. It has not gotten easier. In fact, I feel as if it has gotten worse. When Gemma first died there was so much support, so much love and kind words. Now it feels as if it’s in the past. I am no longer a concern to anyone. For awhile I felt grateful I at least had Patrick and my mom to count on. Now I feel like i’m in this alone. When the pain cracks me open and takes hold of my very soul, I have to hold on and hope it doesn’t completely devour me. I’m not suicidal, but I welcome death whenever it comes for me. I will be at peace and I will see my precious Gemma again. I will be able to hold her for all eternity.

I understand people have families and they have to continue to go on. They did not lose their daughter. I understand that. But I guess I thought i had someone that would be there when I completely fall apart. That would be there for me when I’m a sobbing mess, curled up in bed waiting for the pain to release me. I now learned it is something I need to deal with on my own. Something I need to learn to get through and “toughen up.” I am not ready for the next chapter being written in mine and Patrick’s life. Not one bit. I’m sad and angry. I want it to go away. I want time to just stop.

People that I thought would be there for me have pushed me away further. Ensuring I keep everything to myself because I have learned, they do not care. Am I in a dark place? Yes. Was I pushed here? Yes. I confided in people I trusted only to be brushed off. I tried explaining where I’m coming from to be told they’re just excuses, I’m a disappointment, and It’s too late. I wish I could show someone my soul, give them a glimpse of how I’m feeling so that they get it. But that is impossible. I now feel like a bother and just keep my pain inside. Something I will let out when I’m in a safe place, by myself.

I miss you Gemma. You loved me unconditionally as I loved you unconditionally. I’m lost without you.  Mommy needs you back. I cannot wait to see you again and have you in my arms. My sweet, sweet baby girl. I hope you are okay wherever you are. I love you with my entire being, my sweet raspberry.


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