Easter was a hard day for Patrick and I. Of course we missed Gemma, but it was the first holiday without her. She also had never gotten a single holiday. I wished she could have gotten one. She was alive for New Years and that’s it. I feel as if New Years is a holiday for adults. We were invited to a few Easter celebrations, but I wasn’t up to be around families with children. I didn’t want to be around them because they were going to be having a great time, smiling, laughing and sharing beautiful moments together as they should. It hurt too much to know I would never get those moments with Gemma. I was robbed of all those small, precious moments.
Gemma’s New Year was memorable though. We were only home from the hospital a few days at that point. Patrick was going to change her diaper and she used to get so upset she would scream. When she would scream she would also tense up and poop. So dad was changing her, she was screaming and she shot poop at him. Literally it fired like a cannon. Patrick stood up so fast, Gemma was screaming and I had to help. There we were, mom was holding Gemma’s legs, dad was wiping her and Gemma was crying. I believe she had also spit up on Patrick as well. He was covered in spit up and poop, but we were so happy to be home with our beautiful baby girl. I’m so happy I have these memories and small moments. I wish we could have made more and continued to grow.
That’s what bothers me the most. Everything was perfect. Patrick and I were better than ever, we had beautiful Gemma, we had a routine with who had Gemma when one of us was working, and we were looking for a house so the three of us could be under the same roof finally. I miss those days. What I wouldn’t give to replay the that time we had with her, over and over again. What I wouldn’t do or give to have her back. Why was I given the most precious baby to have her taken from me in such a short period.
My sister had her baby a couple weeks before I had Gemma, so Erza, my sister’s baby girl, and Gemma were close in age. Everyone has been keeping Erza from me because they’re worried seeing her will be too painful. My sister also feels guilty that she still has her baby when I lost mine. I don’t want anyone to feel that way. I want people to cherish the time they have with their children whether they’re newborn or 40 years old. I encourage people to take more pictures, take videos, hug them a little longer, give them a kiss, tell them you love them because you never know when you will lose them. You never expect to lose a baby, but I did. Seeing Erza was just like seeing my niece because she’s not Gemma. They are so different which also made it easier. I just hope my sister won’t take her time with not only Erza for granted, but with her other daughter Elise. That time is so precious.


Erza Mae January 24th, 2018 & Gemma Nova February 15th, 2018 both babies are about 7 weeks old.

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