I wish there was a way to take all my memories from my head and put them on tape somehow. I feel like I’m forgetting memories of Gemma. They’re already fading. I don’t want that. I need to remember everything about her. Every moment we shared, but I can’t, which breaks my heart. I feel like a bad mom because of it, or that I must not miss her or love her because I cannot remember every detail about her short life. I just want it to stop. I wanna go back and ensure this never happens. I want my baby back! This isn’t fair! I’ve waited so long to have her, I’ve done everything in my power to be the best mom I can, I made sure to keep her healthy, but she still died! How is that okay?? There are so many people that are terrible people and parents who have children, but I can’t? Why? I’m a good hearted person. I would give up my life for my Gemma. What more could I have done? Maybe I went back to work too early? I should have been there. Now I don’t even feel like a mom anymore. How will I remember to be a mom when I have more babies? What if I can’t have anymore children? Was Gemma it? I just want my beautiful, sweet, happy, smiley, talkative baby back. Please…

Gemma, February 18th, 2018

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