We had finally done the thing we have been dreading. We picked up Gemma’s remains from the funeral home. We had decided to get her cremated. I didn’t want to put her in the ground because Patrick and I are in the process of looking/buying a house. I didn’t want to then find a house so far away from her burial site and I want her with me always even if she can’t be with me alive. Her urn is beautiful. I will have to post a pic in here later. She is currently at my mom’s house because I don’t want her to be alone. There’s always someone there.

Along with her remains we had gotten her book back that I read to her before we said our last goodbyes at the funeral home. We she was with us, I had read that book to her twice. The first time her dad was there with me at my apartment and she was nothing but smiles. She was so happy I read the book to her and I wished her daddy would have recorded her on video, but he didn’t only because I had finished feeding her and I wasn’t dressed appropriately. But her smiles while reading to her, I will treasure forever. I wanted to cremate her with the book, but her dad had suggested we didn’t and we can one day share the same book with our future kids.

I still have so much pain even thinking about having more kids. I miss having my baby and dedicating my day and my life to her, but I cannot have another baby right now. I just want my Gemma and that baby will be its own person, they will not be Gemma. What I wouldn’t do to be able to hold her again. Nurse her, snuggle her, take a shower with her or rock her to sleep. I wish I could kiss her and get her to say “Aahh” with me. She used to say Aahh when I kissed her on the lips. Her Nana had did that one time and she continued to say Aahh every time Nana kissed her on the lips. It was the cutest thing; Gemma kept doing even with her momma and daddy. It’s also hard for me to shower. I feel sad because I was so used to taking a shower with my baby. She screamed if I put her in the baby tub and I hated that. Patrick’s friend had said he used to just take them in the shower with him when his kids were babies and they liked it much better. I tried it then and Gemma loved it. She had gotten to cuddle with me and I got to get that baby nice and clean. Every time I showered, so did Gemma. Every other day. Now when I shower I feel alone. I miss having that slippery baby with me and talking to her as we both got clean.

I want to get a urn necklace so I can have my Gemma with me everywhere I go. I’ve been looking, but the ones I really like are cheap which I assume the metal is cheap, and the ones I don’t like have the metal quality I do like which are more pricey. Along with that, Patrick and I have to find another small urn for the purposes if we would happen to split up. I would never want to keep Gemma from him, but of course I want to be with my baby too, and he said he would never want to keep her from me. Any other couples deal with something like this. How did you work this out? Why do I even have to think about that? Patrick and I are stronger than ever, but you never know. Even in 20 years, it could happen.

Gemma February 13th, 2018 & January 17th, 2018

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